11/21/10 Extremely tired

I got so little sleep last night that the first thing I did when I got home from work is I went straight back to bed. It was a beautiful day weather wise or at least I thought so when the rain gave way and the sky became full of large fluffy clouds. (The kind you can see shapes in.) But my mind was still on the lightning last night, and I wished we would have more of those storms because we just don't get that here. When I got home after my nap I started to paint and this is what came out. I can't figure out if it's a reflection of my feelings for today or if it's just what I wanted to paint. The brown and blue are supposed to represent the stillness of the what is under the surface, it's not the foreground. Even though I've never seen a tornado first hand, thank God, I still love the subject. Nature's version of irrational I think. Chaos comes in many forms, but after these you see things like cars in trees and overturned houses. The word that occurs to me is irrational.

11/20/10 Optimistic

I loved looking out the window this morning to see it still raining. On the way to work I laughed and shook my head at all my fellow Californians, who forget every year without fail how to drive in the rain. I saw several rainbows throughout the day. But my mind kept wandering to the ocean. It's been a while since I've gone there and let the sea air and crashing waves clear my head. I like the ocean when it's stormy and alive. As long as I'm not on a boat that is. My good mood was triggered I believe by receiving my wish for a rainy day, but it didn't stop there. I was saying to my Dad over dinner, "I miss thunder and lightning storms" and almost immediately there was a flash of lightning. I'm still having trouble sleeping so I'm pretty sure the painting will not affect it at this point, but the calming, soothing value is still there. Now up late again and true to my nature I'm having that hot tea, wrapped in a warm blanket listening to the rain.

11/19/10 Lazy Day

Not all of the day was lazy, just most of it. I had only 2 hours of work which got cancelled after arriving. The rain is a welcome site though, I like winter and have been craving a day or night to listen to the rain and relax with some tea. I tried to catch up on some lost sleep last night but I still feel tired. That's alright because it's been my experience that a day like this is good for recharging my batteries. I expect tomorrow to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. Not too emotional today...OH! But I cried from watching an episode of "Bones" does that count? Seriously though the painting had to have a winter tree in it. I'm very drawn to trees and the Tree of Life is my favorite symbol so I wanted to paint one. My tree sits dormant on a grey day, much as I did today.

11/18/10 Space Cadet

Today it was kind of difficult to stay on task, but I didn't set out to do a painting of space until I saw the photo on twitter. (below) I'm not talented enough to do the Aurora Borealis justice but it was nonetheless therapeutic. Also it was an appropriate analogy to my mood today. Work was nice however despite consuming caffeine I never reached a state of wakefulness necessary to convince others I wasn't a walking zombie. All I can say is, thank God for makeup. Now home I'm wondering where the time went and was not looking forward to painting but once I started I was once again reminded this is not a chore. I really get something from this and it's hard to put into words, more than therapy, than thought being solidified. My mind feels more at ease. I guess that's why I keep using the word meditative. It's still hard to fall asleep and I woke up about a dozen times last night.

11/17/10 Happy

I've come to the conclusion that it must be my allergies not a cold coming on. That's a relief! Plus today turned out to be a satisfying day at work, lively conversation and good weather. I'm still in awe of the beautiful trees the color of fall so I couldn't resist painting something in that vein. I thought this leaf would be easy, but it was time consuming! It took almost two hours. I don't mind, I hardly noticed since it was so relaxing doing it. It was nice to just be in a good mood today. I find there is still no change in getting to sleep quickly but I have been staying asleep longer. (as long as my allergies permit that is.) Although I can't say if there is a direct correlation of course.

11/16/10 Low Energy

Either my allergies are much worse than usual or I am getting sick, either way it was hard to feel anything accept worn out today. I did perk up a bit in class though as the history of comic books turned out to be much more interesting than I thought it would be. How to describe this feeling today. Well it was beautiful outside but I didn't really feel it. Everything seemed like it was tinted grey. I felt, tired, calm, isolated and a bit light headed. While I was painting I decided to listen to the album "Passion" by Peter Gabriel which I highly recommend and I found it suited my mood quite well. I'm not depressed, and I'm afraid my amateur painting skills may seem to give that feeling. But I do find myself starting to experiment with textures and my depth of field needs serious work, I also knew these were going to be more abstract than anything. They say an artist is his/her own worst critic. I'll be honest I didn't really feel like painting tonight but as I was I found myself still enjoying it and not rushing. I can really feel the externalization of my feelings happening and the focus I have while I'm doing it is very meditative.

11/15/10 Dead Calm

Today was my day off, and you may find my title a bit dramatic but let me explain. It's one of those days when you wake up late and feel sluggish but force yourself to clean the house and do the things you have to do. Well usually when I do this I will start to perk up as the day progresses but today I felt drained. An unusual accompaniment to this was lack of whirring thoughts in my head. I was quite focused and when I drove a short distance to the store, I didn't sing in the car like I normally do, I was just quiet. It wasn't a bad feeling, I felt quite relaxed. Though it was strange that it was kind of a forced relaxed, maybe emotional paralysis? Most unusual, I'm not sure dead calm is the right title for it but it's the closest I can think of. There was very little feeling of stress today so I cannot say weather the painting helped or not. Falling asleep is the same. Although I suspect easier tonight.

11/14/10 Possibilities

Today being Sunday makes me think of beginnings. I found that my mind was on the possible outcomes of my week ahead. I remind myself to stay in the moment, take things one step at a time. When I used to meditate regularly if I had a stray thought that persisted I would imagine it was a leaf floating away on a stream and clear my mind again. This method gave me a new mental image today. I'm on a small boat facing the horizon and the sky full of my favorite colors. Seems positive. I will remember this and try to do it again when I need to reign in my thoughts.

11/13/10 Worries

Don't you just hate when you're at work, thinking about all the things you could be doing at home? Then when you get home you're too tired to care anymore? That was today, and then there's the thought that always accompanies that for me, MONEY. I don't earn much and sway back and forth into the red at times. I have to remind myself that I'm trading more hours of work for better grades in school, which will be worth it in the long run. Still I feel like this usually when I think about it. On the bright side after viewing my work I had to chuckle, maybe if I picture this and laugh it will help me not to worry as much. It could happen. I'm really enjoying this project still and every time I paint and then write about it I feel a little better about where I'm at. It's really been putting things in perspective for me. Instead of things being HUGE in my head they are on a piece of paper. Still no affect on getting to sleep.

11/12/10 Energy

I felt very energized today, and I wasn't alone. Everyone outside today seemed to have somewhere important to go. The fact that it's Friday probably has something to do with it. I felt antsy at work like I needed or wanted to be somewhere else, but I had nowhere to be. My father calls and asks if I want to see a movie, my brain says (you should go home and rest) but my mouth said "sure!". Energy, all this energy to burn, I want to laugh, sing, run, dance. But I know I have to work tomorrow so I'll paint this, drink some tea, read and go to bed.

11/11/10 Relaxed

Today as I was in the car at work I noticed how beautiful the trees turning color for fall were and the sky with it's wispy clouds. I had things on my mind sure but it was a nice easy day at work so I felt at ease most of the day. As I was driving home I was taken in by the sunset, what a sight! Still my favorite time of day. When I got home I spent an hour on this painting and even though it's not how I pictured it in my head it was fun to do. I would say that I definitely feel a difference so far in my stress level since starting this. However I have not noticed a difference in falling asleep it remains difficult for me.

Anxious about the future.

11/10/10
Today I've been feeling anxious about a friend coming to stay with me soon. I went to work, felt energetic and had the usual amount of less insistent thoughts buzzing around but I was very much aware of this event in my near future. It wasn't upsetting just a bit of the unknown weighing my subconscious. I felt like the day should be calm and it was when I was paying attention to what needed to be done but when I had time to think I was drawing the same thought back in. I'm going to pick her up you see, so it's a trip as well as a visit. Most likely a long visit which I'm alright with in theory. I realize the futility of wondering how things will turn out but I can't seem to help it today. I'm very much trying to calm my thoughts and be in the moment but it is not proving easy.